Facing The Future

This is my personal journey battling with depression due to past mistakes and anxiety due to fear of making even more mistakes. I am a 57 year old woman that never even remotely imagined to find myself living this way. As a young girl, I had a storybook dream of marriage, children and getting old. I lived some of the dreams but now my life is a nightmare.

If you choose to join with me on this new chapter of my life, I hope it will be helpful to you and give you some understanding about yourself or others facing like life challenges.

Please feel free to comment, give me advice and share your ways of coping.

Thought I would leave an update here since 2 months have passed since writing this introduction. I am loving the opportunity to find out new things about myself, as I create a new life. I'm over coming many of my fears and one day I will shout... No Fear.

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one that wants a fresh start or a do over. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?

Reality Check

Looking in the mirror is so very hard for me. The reflection is hazy. I don't know the person looking back at me. There is no smile. The eyes look dark with despair. Tears flow and follow the well worn wrinkles of age.

What happened to the reflection that use to look back at me? I want to tell myself that I need a new mirror, that will fix it. The reality is I need to look deeper into this reflection and improve it. The mirror is just fine.

We all make mistakes, hurt and disappoint people, get hurt and get disappointed. Dont get caught up in the past, learn from it. Allow yourself to grow, to smile and to be happy. Isnt it lovely to look in the mirror and see a honest person, your best friend, the one you can always count on. Make sure you are. Love yourself. With a big fire in your heart, you can set other hearts on fire. Be gentle, kind, respectful, sincere. If you carry that out, you might inspire others with that attitude.

What kind of reflection do you see?

I know that I look in the mirror every morning but I usually don't pay much attention to the reflection. I wonder, what kind of image do I reflect to others through out the day?

Divorce

I am so guilty, it is my problem and it is my fault. I have done irreparable harm to everyone in my family, especially my children. I tried to make good decisions based on my children's needs. I tried to repair my selfish decision. I thought they would be happier with their dad in a familiar home, a familiar school. I had destroyed my marriage, I had broken my vows and I had destroyed my family and any trust, respect and love they had for me. I abandoned them. I was not worthy of being their mother. I committed the Unforgivable.

I have asked for forgiveness, but my wrongs are too many and my children still suffer for my mistakes. I feel as if I am on Death Row and have been here for almost 20 years. I see now that I have wasted those years in deep depression rather than trying to be a better more productive person. Others do not need to forgive me but I have to learn to forgive myself. I pray that one day they will forgive me for their own benefit. As I have learned when you don't forgive it fuels hate and hate brings personal problems.

I ask God to be by all of their sides to nurture and protect them with His Unfailing and Unconditional Love.

Forgive Yourself and Forgive Others

What is forgiveness? To me, forgiveness is the conscious decision to release blame for a wrong done whether real or imaginary. For forgiveness to be genuine one has to forgive themselves before they can begin to forgive others.

Forgiveness isn't something that is done easy. Everyone does things in their life that they need forgiveness for. No one is perfect! Mistake are made, words are said and as hurtful as those things are to us, we need to remember that no one is perfect, and everyone can make a mistake. Even stupid choices that can really cause damage...but that doesn't mean that it was done intentionally to hurt us.

We all have love in our hearts, we need to use that love...tap into the power of love and forgive, not for the other person so much, but more for ourselves, so we can heal and get better. But if you are going to forgive, you have to do it all the way, in forgiveness there can't be half way...it's all or nothing. If you think you have forgiven and you are still hating that person or dwelling on the hurt, or trying to hold that person accountable...you haven't truly forgiven.

Quit bringing it up, quit punishing that person and quit punishing yourself because if you are still doing that then you haven't forgiven anything.

As a result of years in a very abusive relationship, I suffer deep depression and low self esteem. The transition from strong confident woman to the weak depressed person I am didn't happen over night. It crept in like a thief taking away my family through isolation, my confidence by harsh daily verbal abuse. Through the years my physical, mental and spiritual health suffered. Now away from the abuser, I still hear his voice in my head.

The hardest thing for me to do now is accept myself just the way I am. I view myself through the eyes of others and how they respond to me. This is wrong in so many ways. They are not me, they have their own judgements and failures in life, they only see the outside of me not the inside of my soul, they know their pain not mine, they want to help but their actions are based on their own needs, they love me with expectations, not freely. I am me not them. Accept me the way I am and it just might help me accept myself.

Everyday, I try to start over but the past haunts me. I feel judged and sentenced to a life of no hope. I wish I could forgive myself and move on. Over and over the past interrupts my future. How do I stop this madness and move forward?

What is it that defines who we really are? Is it our past mistakes? Is it our past achievements? Is it our job and how much money we have? Is it our age, our looks our talents?

I am far too sensitive and analytical. I seem to feel what others think of me without them voicing it to me.I want to be loved by everyone,someone,anyone but I don't love myself. I fear rejection and I want to be accepted. As a result, I tend to put on a false facade, that is easily seen through by those who know me the best. But I keep trying to fool them and myself.

I have looked for satisfaction in all the wrong ways, sex, alcohol, drugs to no avail. Satisfaction has to come from within. Perhaps when I accept myself just the way I am and grow from there, I will know love, peace and joy.

Forget The Past

Now that I have forgiven myself and others, I must forget the past. This is easier said then done. In therapy, I often have to open an old wound in order to heal it properly. I also am reminded of my past by those I have caused pain. I am uncertain if they even realize how this hurts. I acknowledge and accept that they also are trying to forgive and forget.

I can't live today or tomorrow if my eyes are focused on what was or should have been. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here, I have today and this moment.

Quit Living The Old Story

Wow, a challenge one day at a time. It is definitely time to start living a new story. In this story, I will be the survivor and claim victory over the haunting past. Forward with confidence is my path. With my eyes focused on the future, I will not glance back and lose my footing. Stay tuned for my new chapter of Living Life.

Please visit my next lens with the link below.

Thank you

This lens is my journey in starting over and accepting the fact that only I can change my life.

Live Today With A Positive Attitude

I want to enjoy life again. This is impossible with a negative Woe is me attitude. Think positive, be positive. Starting the day with positive thoughts and holding on to them is a hard task at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

Remember that mirror? Look into it and tell yourself positive affirmations. Gazing at that little picture of post -it notes in the corner got me thinking. Why not use post -it notes to surround myself in affirmations by putting them on my mirror? I'll be surrounded with affirmations saying I am loved, I am special, I can do it, I am free, Smile, Laugh Out Loud, etc.

Surround yourself with positive like friends that encourage and challenge you to raise the bar higher. Read stories of hope and accomplishment. Meditate. Fill your mind with all things good. We are what we think.

Order 2 one for you and one to share. I think they are a great gift.

Set Goals

Where do I want to be in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years and so on? Dream big! This is not the time to think small.

Isn't it fantastic to have a new slate full of endless possibilities?

* Smile at someone everyday.

* Be grateful.

* A home of my own

* Be Independent

* Volunteer and make friends

* Be a Mentor

* Live Healthy

Getting Help

The hardest thing to do is admit to yourself that you need help. The next step, asking for help is even harder. You courageously open up and accept help but soon you will realize, to get help you have to help yourself.

When you finally do ask for help, you are referred to someone. When you see that someone they refer you to someone else. That someone else then gives you a list of resources that can help. You go to get help at some of of those resources and are told you don't qualify. They give you another list of resources. You seek help at one of those resources and are put on a 1 to 2 year waiting list. They in turn give you another list. You call that resource and they access your needs over the phone and put you on a list. They ask you to call back to see if you qualify and then they can give you a list of resources to go to.

I want to give up. I think I will go back to my world of isolation while I wait for help. Truth is, I really don't seek isolation but I feel ignored and invisible. So I disappear as not to disturb anyone. Isn't it odd that you can be with 4-6 people and they really never speak all day? I have tried to even engage them in conversations but their answer is only one word. In fact, it's not even the real word, I'll hear ya instead of yes. I hate the silent treatment. It makes me feel like I have done something wrong. However, I will excuse the rudeness and assume they just don't know what to say. Do you know the old saying about the word ...assume?

Depression and anxiety are crippling. They can change everything in your life before you know it. They take away your life.

Evidently my future includes being homeless. At first I was scared of this and couldn't picture myself in the park feeding pigeons. Now I look forward to the challenge and the personal growth that it will encourage in my life.

I have lived so many lives and this is just one more for me to conquer and share. I hope you will check back for updates and leave me words of encouragement.

I know I will meet some interesting people with stories of their own. I hope to take notes and honor them in a lens. I need a camera for pictures. Did you hear me Universe that supplies all of my needs?

PS. I don't have a laptop to use either but they have one at the library.

Today I came across a fantastic lens which led me to 3 more lenses by masunyoananda.

It was as if God, Spirit and Angels guided my hand to click on this link:

http://www.squidoo.com/cleansing-process.

I am so excited and feel as if a cloud has been lifted and I see hope for my future.

It is past time to cleanse out the negative thoughts and actions. It is time to meditate and use positive energy to write a new chapter.

The first chapter of the rest of my life is finally a work in progress.

I have finally begun my new journey to wholeness. I asked for help and thankfully received it. I was in crisis and needed to admit myself into Neil Dobbins Center for crisis management and to adjust my medications. During those 5 days I became a new person. I became rational and hopeful. I can't thank the staff enough.They encouraged me to talk about things and share with others. They made me see the value of connecting with others for support and assistance in reaching goals.

With my caseworkers help I have a temporary place to live while waiting for something more permanent. I am enjoying watching birds and squirrels scamper around while I drink my coffee. I also get to enjoy watching the sunset in the afternoon and all the city lights at night.

The view has always been there but my perspective has changed.